Managing Expectations

We were trying to get the kids out the door on Sunday to drive down to Chicago for a day at the Science and Industry Museum. I put on my most excited voice and told them a surprise was waiting for them in the backseat of the van. My mother-in-law, Linda, had recently given me a Leap-Pad, electronic book/music reader/player and I hadn't given it to the boys yet. I thought they'd be really excited by a new toy to play with on the hour and a half drive. When they got to the car and buckled in, I asked them if they found the surprise. Silas held up the book, unimpressed and said, "This is the surprise? I thought it would be, a pie or something."

Then last night, with Orrin out of town for a few days, I was feeding an unhappy crew leftover vegetable curry. They hadn't been thrilled with it when it was new, and Reuben was tired and fussy so it was a rather unpleasant meal. I finally got some food in Reuben and as I headed upstairs with him I told the boys anyone who finished their dinner got to have a treat after dinner. I had no idea what I was talking about, they had both already had a few Christmas cookies earlier in the day, so I was wracking my brain as I nursed Reuben for something that would be perceived as a treat. When I came downstairs their bowls were clean and they said they were ready for their treat. I told them we could make sparkly snowflakes or paper chains for the Christmas tree. I thought these were rather lame suggestions, but you would have thought I was delivering puppies and ice cream cones. They jumped up, cleared the table, (with a quick reminder) and raced upstairs to cut and tape paper loops.

These things remind me that it's not so much how our kids behave that can drive us nuts, but how we expect them to behave. That's why it's so difficult to interact with my younger boys after having some time with Silas. Suddenly my assumptions for their capabilities are no longer correct. That's why it so stressful in public places. Not only do my kids and I have to balance our own expectations for each other, but society's expectations.

And I wonder what Silas, and Emmet, and Reuben are learning to expect from me. I worry that it is irritation, unpredictability, and anger. I hope they expect honesty, support, strength, patience, persistence, unconditional love, and the occasional pie in the backseat.